Doing the best I can: Confessions of a Christian Mother

I am going to let the facade down a little today. I am going to open my heart (and my business) and pour it out to y'all for the whole world to see, literally.
Being raised a Christian, especially in the South, we are taught there are just some things that are just wrong, no matter what!  I think we hold more tightly to our beliefs here than in any other part of the country, or it seems to be that way.  There is just not much wiggle room.  Well this past year our family has had to look at some those beliefs in a different light.

 We had to hold (I say we, mostly me) them up to the Son and just totally reexamine them and try to find peace in some way.  (I am just going to put this in here now, this post is not going to hold well with some.  I mean you just really are not going to like where I go with this.) All that explaining being done I am going to proceed now.

A little over a year ago, as parents, we had to do one of the most difficult things we have ever had to do.  We had to leave our beautiful boy at a hospital because he was having suicidal thoughts.  The family, as a whole,  knew something was not right, but when we would ask him he would say there was nothing wrong.  One  night he came to us and told us he thought he needed to go see a Dr.  We made an appointment and he made us sit in the waiting room while he went back.  When the Dr. came to us and told us it was serious and that he needed to be admitted, as any mother would, I just completely fell apart.  All through the admission process he would not allow us to be with him at any time.  Of course we had all kinds of things running through our heads, but I mostly had mine set on one thing.  I had a hunch, but could not say it.  For over a month we were kept in the dark. Until one day after an appointment his dad and I had taken him to,  I got up enough nerve to ask him.  Oh dear lord I was so nervous.  It went something like this, "If I ask you something will you tell me the truth?"  The answer was "maybe."  So I proceeded like this, " I am not asking you this because you have ever done anything or acted in any way to make me think this, but ....................... do you think you are gay?"  I think before I even got the whole thing out he said "yes!"  You have to understand why he could not tell us.  Because of the way we were raised and the way he was raised as well, we had very strong beliefs about this.  My husband was a major homophobic person.  I, on the other hand, had always had gay friends, but still believed it was wrong.........it is sin........an abomination.  We had to step back and examine this, our child whom we loved dearly would have rather taken his life than tell us this secret that has tortured him. That my friends is one of the scariest, worst feelings in the world. The guilt is almost overwhelming. Let me tell you one thing I would rather have a gay son than not have him at all. ( I would rather have a gay son than a drug addict son. I would rather have a gay son than a miserably unhappy heterosexual son.)  This was a great wake up call for us.  We realized how ugly and cruel hate and intolerance, even (especially) in the form of religion, can be.  I just never realized how ugly it was. I never even realized those sermons translated and led to intolerance and hate. (We weren't even the radicals that thought they should all die!  Now that translation of the Word of God horrifies me!  It horrified me then and it surely does now!)   I never even realized it myself until the tables had turned.  We listen to these sermons telling us people are abominations, they are sinners and perverts and etc. the list really does go on and on and it gets really ugly. And we don't even realize that those sermons, those words are teaching and promoting intolerance, hate and fear of another human being. 

Now don't get me wrong I love God, and Jesus rocks my world, but I have not stepped foot into a church in over a year, not until my father-in-law's funeral.  I just could not go sit on a pew and listen to someone say all those horrible things about my child that I know probably has more moral fiber in his little toe than the man preaching the sermon.  I know the Bible can be translated in many different ways and I have heard many interpretations as to why the Bible does say those things about homosexuality.  Honestly, I am still trying to sort it all out. I will tell you this though, I know my child did not choose this.  There is not one ounce of me that believes that.  He agonized over it for too long.  Here's another confession, there was always something in me that suspected that he was, even when he was a young boy. 

 As a family we have come a long way, but we also have a long way to go.  We have two other sons that are struggling with this and I think that is normal. Especially when they never even suspected it.  I will not apologize for sharing the truth as I see it.  I think we all need to examine our hearts a bit more.  If you are reading this and are having some of the same struggles, I highly recommend watching For The Bible Tells Me So.  I can't say that it totally convinced me of it's translation of the Bible, but it did give me a lot to think about.  And it did show me how ugly hate can be.  I must say, after I watched it I felt so ashamed of myself especially as a Christian. I really don't think God wants us to act like that. I did some repenting after that documentary.   There is one thing I know for sure, God's grace IS sufficient.

Thanks for stopping by,

The Dixie Gypsy
with the big southern mouth and a sweet southern drawl